My friends, they love my intelligence
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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