moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
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If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
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Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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