If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
