I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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