i love accidental penises.
Too much gin, very little bucket
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
