I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
