the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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