is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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