You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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