____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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