Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I wish i was in the wii world.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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