I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
