I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
