the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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