He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
