So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
