You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
