I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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