Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i think i just lost a toe
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
