I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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