pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
