How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
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Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
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I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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