i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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