Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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