Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
