sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
