I'm lost and stupid without you.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
