batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
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she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
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I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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