I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
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I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
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FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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