when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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