ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
