I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
