My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
