Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
