if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
