Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
