Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
