Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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