I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
