I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
