remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
And the cops told us we were all naked.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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