i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
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