i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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