She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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