I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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