I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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