i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
