so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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