I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
