My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
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I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
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SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.