please come you make the beer taste better
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.