I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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