Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
