this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
