It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
why do cheetos always look like penises
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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