Porn is love you can see.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Randomize
