i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
