maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
