So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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