Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
